Life With Anxiety And Depression
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and this week; 8th-14th May, is Mental Health Awareness Week.
Although this is a post that I've been writing for a while, it's a post about mental health and I thought this week would be the best time to share my story and experiences with you and help bring more awareness to those suffering with mental health.
Living with anxiety and depression isn't something that I find easy to talk about, it's surprisingly a lot more difficult to put into words how I feel than I could have ever imagined it would be, but I'm going to try anyway...
Each day is completely different for me, which if I'm honest, makes trying to have a set routine a little difficult, some days I feel full of confidence and like I can take on the whole world, whereas other days can be at the complete other end of the scale, where I'm having panic attacks or I feel so low that I feel suicidal, which believe me, is not something anyone should feel.
Luckily for me, those extremely low days, where I feel suicidal, or have panic attacks, are becoming less and less frequent with every month that passes, which I am truly beyond thankful for, but it hasn't always been that way and my anxiety and depression generally still effects my life on a day to day basis even now.
I've lived with both anxiety and depression on and off throughout most of my life, and although I hadn't quite 'got use to it', I had learnt how to deal with it and how to live my life around it, instead of for it, but life has a funny way of stirring things up.
I was already going though medical issues at the time, with my hips and legs, and didn't think things could get worse.
So in June 2016, when my anxiety decided to present itself in a completely new way, it threw me off, everything I had worked so hard on to not let my mental health become the centre of my world again had completely gone down the drain, as my anxiety got worse so did my depression.
I remember trying to get to sleep on the night it all began, but I was laying there feeling breathless, hot and nauseous, even though I must have been lay down for around 20 minutes or more and had felt completely fine beforehand. I decided to take myself to the bathroom, cool myself off with cold water, try and go to the toilet just incase that was the problem, but the feeling continued to get worse and I could feel my heart rate increasing dramatically, the highest it had probably ever been in my entire life, my body was shaking and I was beginning to get light headed, honestly, in that moment I was truly terrified.
Being the person I am, I decided that I would be okay and that I'd just let it pass over, but unfortunately it didn't quite do that.
Two days later and my heart rate was again increasing, but this time more than it had the few days before, I had began to get an unusual feeling in my chest that I'd never in my life experienced before, and one I'd truly never wish anyone to experience.
It was of course, at that point, as I was struggling to catch my breath and had this painful, dreadful feeling on my chest, that I knew something wasn't right and I had to go to a hospital, so obviously I called my mum to take me!
We went straight to A+E, and I'm so glad that I did and that I know my body well enough to know something was up, as it turns out I was actually having heart palpitations, and needed to have tests done right away to rule out the possibility that I could have a heart attack or anything else life threatening, of course by this point I was silently freaking out, panicking inside at the thought that something might be wrong, but I didn't want to worry my mum and sister any more, so I didn't say much.
I had a ECG (electrocardiogram) done to check my heart, an X-ray of my lungs to ensure they were okay, blood tests, diabetes test etc.. and thankfully every test came back completely fine, which honestly gave me more relief than I could ever imagine, but I then began to worry why it had suddenly happened, when it was something that had never happened before.
Turns out they think I had a panic attack and was also a little dehydrated, which I honestly wouldn't have ever guessed, as I personally never would have thought that a panic attack could cause such physical symptoms, let alone cause such severe chest pains and my heart rate to increase to the point of palpitations.
It's now been almost a year since I was in hospital, and although I've not had to go back (minus appointments), the problems didn't just go away when I realised what was happening, to be completely honest the first few months were horrible and actually quite lonely.
I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and was given medication to try, something I feel is the 'norm' to doctors when it comes to anyone suffering with mental health. Of course I tried them, but they didn't help, my heart rate was still racing daily, the chest pains were becoming more severe and I found myself getting ridiculously breathless, even walking up my stairs.
For the first few months I couldn't bring myself to do simple things like laying flat in bed, instead choosing to prop myself up with pillows as I thought if I wasn't up-right my heart might start getting out of control again, which I know now didn't make a difference at all, but at the time my body would start to panic even at the thought of such things.
For a long time I was also petrified of leaving my house, or going anywhere that was more than a few minutes away - other than my doctors - as it became my safety blanket, if anything happened I'd be in the best place, at home, and if I did decided to be brave and venture out, I would constantly be thinking about the closest hospital and the worst case scenarios, which eventually became pretty lonely and depressing, as I had basically isolated myself in the four walls of my own home.
There were also times where I would get so breathless, my heart rate so high and the chest pains so bad that I truly believed there was a chance I could go into cardiac arrest, something that may sound quite silly to some people out there, but unless you have experienced such pain in your chest, I don't think you would ever truly understand the panic.
I think it was around this point that my depression had worsened the most and I became the most suicidal.
I believe it was because I was in constant pain from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep, I was in constant fear of something terrible happening, and I felt so lonely and like there was nothing that I could do about it, I didn't feel like I could go outside and do things I used to, and I also felt like I couldn't explain how I felt to anyone around me, incase they didn't understand or thought I was overreacting, and I didn't want people to pity me, as it only made me feel worse.
Thankfully I'm now at a point in my life where I let my mental health have less control over everything that happens in my life, I obviously still have struggles that I have to deal with on a daily basis because of my anxiety and depression, but I know that I'll get through it now because I've done it before and I tell myself I can!
Of course, like everyone else, I have bad days where I'm less positive, have less control and definitely feel down and fed up with the world and that usually at least one a week, but I always try my hardest to live my life and each day the way that I want to and not the way that my mental health try's to make me.
I understand that its not always as easy as just being positive, there are days still where my anxiety keeps me in bed for hours and hours at a time because I just can't be bothered and days where I will snap at people for no reason (which isn't like me at all!!), but I do what I can to bring myself out of that place and into a better mood and frame of mind, and honestly it has taken me a long time to be able to do that, I just want you to know that it is possible, even if it takes a while, even I'm not 100% yet.
To anyone out there that is suffering with mental health, I want to say that I truly admire you all, for being so brave, so strong and for pushing through each day that comes, you are all incredible, don't let this beat you, you got this!
Mental health is something I believe should be spoken about more both privately and publicly, there is nothing shameful or wrong about what we are going through so why is it such a taboo topic for people to talk about.
Feel free to drop me an email if you ever need someone to talk to or just to rant to about how sucky mental health can be.
But if anyone is feeling anxious, low, or depressed, please seek help and reach out and speak to someone.
If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org website.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255
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